Life Update X My Story

 Took a lil break from blogging as I had writers block and also wanted to focus on my YouTube venture (which is going really well so far). I've been uploading daily videos, mainly sharing my art journey and even gave vlogging a go which is a madness man; to think years ago that i'd ever have the balls to do YouTube would've been straight up delusional, but here I am living out an old aspiration that I never deemed possible. I'm not sure at what point I started to become ready for YouTube as I'd long buried that aspiration by the time of uni which was 5 years ago. I still don't feel like billy big bollocks or the most confident person infact healthy confidence feels natural you're just comfortable in situations you once wasn't all of a sudden, it's not necessarily a thought process like ego it's different... anyways I think my passion just outweighs my fears these days it's not that my confidence levels are super high but they're at a decent level. We're at over 100 videos already!!! I've been working really hard makin improvements with each video, doin my research and experimenting with editing/music/thumbnails/titles/types of content/outro's/camera angles or set ups - I've learnt loads and also invested in better equipment recently. I've also somewhat of a plan, it's flexible so where required I can make adjustments based on time availability etc. Currently I'm doing 12 Days of Crayola which is a festive colouring challenge done over 12 days; I found some free Christmas colouring pages on the Crayola website and my inner child went wild...I just had to take part, despite not having a good time schedule of availability -   now surprisingly nobody else on YouTube seems to have taken part before and I'd love to see how others do the challenge. I've done the challenge as part of a festive journal which is something I've not done before but really is a nice way to get into the Christmas spirit. I've put my tree up last night and i'm also wearing red nails which I never do as its an angry colour but it's also festive so yano try new things n all that. 

So while I've been gone from the blog, I only went and made it to my 25th Birthdayyy, a big fucking deal; I really didn't expect to make it this far I am shocked that I'm still alive, by some miracle I survived the worst to ever present itself to me. My 23rd was during my psychotic episode and was the worst birthday I've ever experienced, then came along my 24th which I thought was some kinda fluke (that I got a 'last chance' to experience a birthday before the "impending doom") so it was another strange one. My 25th however was ace. I've been in recovery a while now thanks to the team's support and guidance when required and have made MAJOR progress on my mental health and life in general since my 24th. Very recently had a review of my care plans that the team send to the doctors, from a year ago vs now the changes are mega and it took reading them to actually realise i'm not where I used to be and that the future does have real genuine hope that it's looking really bright. I still struggle with my mental health but I have knowledge and understanding of it now.  I know I've got some bad days to come life's like a heartbeat it goes up and down but for now at least i'm on the up, enjoying the state of somewhat serenity. 

A time period of reflection and progression currently after what felt like painful stagnation for a lengthy period but was really healing time before shiz got good man. Feeling blessed that I made it another year, looking back at how much has changed it really is mental the progress I can't quite put into words just how hard I've worked from the lowest place a person can go to reaching life goals i'd of said weren't possible for someone like me after going thru what I went through and therefore I have real genuine hope for the future - My psychotic episode was the end of the old me, a BRUTAL ending to the painful time period spanning over years, I really couldn't get any lower there was nothing left of me I didn't even know how to communicate correctly *brain fog was real baddd* ANYWAYS, I'm here to tell you stuff can get better even when you think everything's fucked beyond belief and better believe it's not easy having to ride out the fuckery but life is like a heartbeat it goes up and down, so you're not completely stuck forever it'll chill on ya man even if only for a limited time; Blessings coming in all shapes and sizes sometimes it's you got a hot meal inside you on a winters day. I'm looking forward to the new year and everything it's got to offer as some exciting things are in the pipeline. This has been a well productive year, tough at points and it's eased off into the start of a successful life. 

Grateful. 

Till next time,

Stevie x